GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
