If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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