my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
