so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
