Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I got inside last night via doggy door
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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