How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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