R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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