Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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