you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
