I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
