that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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