Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
His nipple licking is glorious
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
