Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
