Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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