I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
