I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
