he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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