RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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