guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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