Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
