A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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