overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
