After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We don't watch enough power rangers
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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