I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
