There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
