I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
it hurts more in the daytime
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
