I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
