Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
