im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
