Your face is a jimmy john
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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