i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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