you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
