I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
