I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
