C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Life is so much better after having sex.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I deserve this hangover.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
