I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
In America we eat man semen.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
