omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
