u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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