I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
