Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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