ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
