i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
