I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
