I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
