what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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