What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I believe in your delicious
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
