Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
