on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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