I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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