Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
