Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
