so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
