so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
