What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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