Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm too high and old for this...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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