No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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