it wasn't lemon gatorade
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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