I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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