I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
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MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
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The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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