So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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