So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
